“I know you want me to come home running, but it might take a while, I got my heart in my hands and my head in the clouds.”
Back 2 U by Steve Aoki and Boehm ft. Walk The Moon.
It would be a terrible lie if I told you that I don’t struggle with writing these articles. I guess just like in person, I try to put up a front —the “everything is going well” front. In writing (and in person) I try to be as peppy as I can, even if I’m not feeling too peppy. It might be weird, but I think one way of coping, is knowing that despite the things that are happening to me, I am still able to make others smile. You know, feeling like everything is not completely screwed up, the least I can do nice things. However, I don’t know if lately that’s done me more good than bad. Putting up a front makes it harder to be honest, makes it harder to show others that you are maybe not feeling okay. But I also don’t believe that you should get stuck in sadness or anger so I try my hardest to spread happiness. You see, because when I do make people smile, I usually feel happy as well. So that’s why every time I write, I try to tell you stories that will encourage you, that will make you think.
But today, that’s not the case.
Because sometimes it’s too hard, it’s too much to keep up with it, and sometimes I am just not feeling okay. But I feel like I can be honest with you.
“Out in the wild, you wouldn’t believe all the things that I saw. I took a high road in the open under those stars. And all the while, I just got closer to going too far.”
I sometimes feel a lot like a mediator, you know a person stuck in the middle settling disputes. I’m sometimes a person who gets caught up in the middle of other people’s tornadoes, waiting for it to pass, hoping it won’t take me too far. If I know anything about this position is that it is the most terrifying type of lonely. It is the scariest type of “I don’t know what you want or need me to do.” And when you get caught up in someone else’s storm, you truly lose sight of what you want. I hadn’t realized how absolutely pissed about this I was until I wanted to make my own choices.
I think the thing that has me the most upset is feeling intoxicated. I sometimes feel like I have no where to run to because no matter who I tell my feelings to, the response I usually get is a whole list of things of why I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I get a list of things of why I am missing the bright side, and then I get a tremendous amount of guilt for it. Because life is awesome! Every day is a blessing! And there is absolutely should be no reason for me to be sad…
And I understand that when one is emotionally distressed, your judgement gets clouded. You start acting in irrational ways because everything is blurry, nothing is really clear. And yes, you do lose sight of your surroundings and you stop seeing things. But it’s easy to see things clearly as an outsider, and it’s easy to say things as an outsider, and it’s easy to say “I understand.”
But the truth is that I am tired of mediating between people’s storms. I’m not just talking about small conflicts, I am talking about scary things that have happened in my life that have forced me to grow up a little too quick. I am talking about the things that get deeply ingrained in your memory to the point that they keep you up at night. Those are the storms I’m talking about, the one’s that left me terrified when I was literally only 14. The one’s where I was just told to be brave and get through it.
Looking back now, I’m like “shit, I can’t believe I made it through,” and for a long time I felt like I was alone. I couldn’t go out and tell people what I was truly feeling because the situation didn’t need to grow anymore, so I just kept quiet.
“Faced with the lions, I felt the courage leading my heart. Cause even I know every battle leaves you with scars.”
Something that also weighs down on me a lot. Sometimes I feel like other people’s fears have too much power over me. Sometimes people “warn you” of things because based on their personal experience, certain things are bad. And so I believed that tale for such a long time, I grew up and I was insecure of bad things happening to me.
I grew up so scared of everything and if I did something I felt shame because it was “against” the rules, and it wasn’t until now that I know that none of what I did was actually bad.
It wasn’t until this summer where I actually felt free for the first time. I was away from a lot of things and I was in charge of making my own choices. It was the first time I knew that I was capable of making my own choices without anyone behind my shoulder whispering. It was the first time I didn’t feel watched or judged. I guess for the first time, I knew that I could be independent. I didn’t have to be to caught up in other’s problems…but I had to come back and it felt like what I had just lived was a mere illusion.
So I don’t know, I don’t really have a conclusion. I don’t think these conflicting feelings are supposed to end right now (If I’m being honest I feel like I just wrote nonsense). I guess as someone who loves to write, this was my only way to speak of this.
I don’t know, I have no idea, and that’s the truth.
But I can tell you about the song I chose to represent this post. “Back 2 U” by Steve Aoki and Boehm ft. Walk The Moon came to me sort of like a miracle. You know those things that come to you exactly the moment you need them? This was it for me. I’m just so thankful that there is music to rely on. I am so glad that people are talented enough to put feeling into melodies in order to make things better. So that’s what I’m thankful for today: the talented people of this earth that make everything better.
Listen To Back 2 U on Spotify by clicking on the link below: Back 2 U
Featured Image: My Own!