It had never occurred to me, how much I hated the way I acted when somebody else does it. I was so annoyed, and the funny part is I don’t realized it annoyed me until I annoyed myself by acting this way. I should start by saying I skipped one stupid class I stupidly refuse to have, sure because I was annoyed. If I had gone to that class my day would’ve been completely productive, and another funny thing is that attending to that class would’ve been the less productive part of my day. The highlight is they caught “me and all my friends”, as we used to say while playing hide-and-seek when we where little. We weren’t doing something else rather than laying around talking nonsenses.
When I got home my mom already knew and she was literally laughing about the situation because she knew how annoyed I was and she wanted to hare my side of the story, it was so disturbing, the fact that she already knew, and I exploded. We fought for three minutes on behalf of my lack of interest, not in school but in my word choice to fix my mess.
Nevertheless, it was just a class, it was just a fight and it was just a moment of exaltation when I lost my strives. it could’ve been quicker, but believe me I didn’t wanted to. And it wasn’t a big deal and when something so horrible happens everything else looses itself on fake attempts to wake us up, but still no one gives a damn when something terrible has happen to them. Maybe I’m to young to feel this way, or to lucky. I also considere myself as a self destructive person, maybe I am starting to feel more self-conscious than I’ve ever been. And so everything has to be more intense.
She wasn’t trying to make me feel self-conscious, even though she perfectly knew how I felt and how I shouldn’t feel. “People should read more, at least pretend they do” I found in my mom what I wanted to be so badly that every time I acted in a different way or I refused to listen she simply said “Is nobody’s fault” but still I felt so guilty. I ended up running, from my thoughts or from my lack of thoughts because as I said, I hated the way I acted today.
Oh and I have never hated myself so much, and I have never wanted to be someone else anywhere else so much. Its been so long that I started to feel this way.