“You threw in the towel, I broke your heart, but there’s a first time for everything. Who would’ve thought you’d feel so cold, and all these memories seem so old, to think you were my everything…” – “Camouflage,” Selena Gomez, Revival.
I think I have been on a writing coma for a few months now. Not only is my schedule busy, but this is just one of the situations where it has taken every bit of courage to actually sit down and write this. You see, I am so afraid of hurting people. Maybe it’s because I cannot stand knowing that I hurt someone, or because I also learned that I don’t know how to react when people leave me.
I was presenting an artwork for my whole art class, one very personal to me. I was sort of forced into displaying it by my teacher, and I thought it would all be okay, and I’m usually very good at public speaking. However, when I got up, my heart started going a thousand miles per hour, my palms got sweaty, and my body temperature dropped at least 20 degrees (at least that is what it felt like). I started talking, and talking, and talking, and I could feel myself about to burst into tears. Then, something that has never happened to me happened: I actually choked on my words. Words, something I am so good at using, were physically unable to leave my throat. I went home and cried that day, because I wasn’t ready to share it, because everything about just felt so….mine. And now it doesn’t.
“Life’s so fragile it’s like I could cry, if that’s the last time I see you again. But I never tell you just how I felt, you might just not care and it might just not help…what if the feelings just don’t make no sense to you?”
I have lost a few people since summer, I have also gained some pretty extraordinary ones, others I don’t know where stand with them anymore, and others have stuck with me and I could not be more grateful. But it is the people I have lost that truly have been a weight on me.
The thing about losing people is that, at least for me, you don’t know where you went wrong. I wish letting go and saying goodbye was easy, but it’s as if that other person’s essence is still with you. An essence filled with memories, with laughs, and so much sadness. It’s much worse when you went 100% for people.
It’s also not so much about losing people, but the regret that comes with it. Everybody tells me to stop trusting everyone so easily. I know it may be stupid to some, but I am truly one of those people that believe that being generous with your love and time is one of the most beautiful things you can do. But how far is too far? I don’t know.
“Time went easy on us…How Can Love Die? I’ve got so much shit to say, but I can’t help feeling like I’m camouflaged, fortress around my heart.”
What I do know is that I wish things weren’t so complicated. I wish people weren’t so complicated (although, ironically, that is something that makes people intriguing). I wish people didn’t act like a light switch and turn you on and off whenever they please. Or, stopped acting like everything is fine one day and blew you off the next, making you feel like you’re some sort of inconvenience. I wish people wouldn’t mess with your head, and played with your feelings, and leave you lost in the gray area where they can’t decide if they love you or not.
That’s why I couldn’t speak in art class. That’s what that artwork meant to me: the feeling of abandonment. The feeling like you don’t belong somewhere anymore, and how do you express that when you’re not ready?
In a way I also feel guilty because I’ve changed, a lot. I am not the same person I was before, but it is also unfair to myself to not allow myself to move on. I guess I just need to get over the fact that some things aren’t meant to last forever…and some things are.
So here’s the good side.
Despite my inability to find my place in places that used to be so familiar to me, and despite all the people that have faded out of my picture: I am grateful for the people that recently entered it. And I’m grateful for the people that have been there for years, and are still vivid in my picture as they were when I first met them. There is nothing better, and nothing warmer, than knowing that there are people who are rooting for you from the sidelines.
This has felt like a slow process of cleansing and moving on. Some days I do better than others, but for now, there’s no conclusion. I just want you to know that if there is someone in your life that has recently left, or won’t talk to you…we all deserve to move on. We all deserve to be okay.
“You were mine just yesterday, now I have no idea who you are. It’s like you camouflage.”
Picture Credits: Me!
Listen to Camouflage by Selena Gomez here: